Having a good relationship is no piece of cake even in normal times. Lockdown doesn't make it any easier, with its psychological stress and restrictions on social contacts. So how can relationships still thrive?
The coronavirus pandemic is posing a challenge to relationships — but keeping that love alive is possibleImage: Inderlied/Kirchner-Media/picture alliance
Advertisement
Relationships are complicated. For a start, they take many forms: They can be monogamous, polyamorous or long-distance; there are couples who live together, with or without children, patchwork families and so on and so forth.
Even if we just take the example of a committed partnership of two people living together, the range of possible relationship dynamics is endless.
Dewitte places particular emphasis on the seemingly banal reality that every partnership is extremely unique.
This individuality makes writing about relationships rather complicated. At the same time, it is a potential key to achieving tremendous satisfaction — even in lockdown.
1. Accept that the situation is hard
The coronavirus pandemic itself, along with the measures being taken to contain it, has put many people under extraordinary stress: Some might have lost their job or be working from home, while there are often increased childcare obligations and the loss of cherished social distractions.
It would be foolish and wishful thinking to assume that this exceptional situation could remain without an impact on a couple's relationship. Less quality time together quickly limits opportunities for intimacy, and the result can be more conflict, as well as less sex.
Erectile dysfunction - an expert explains
08:47
This browser does not support the video element.
If you accept that your own definition of normality has just been turned upside down, you can lower the demands not only on yourself but also on your partnership. If "business as usual" no longer applies, the relationship must also find new approaches.
And there has been good news from Austria. Sociologist Barbara Rothmüller conducted surveys in Austria and Germany in the spring and fall that provided information about changes in intimacy and intimate relationships during the pandemic.
Seventy-four percent of couples who live in the same household said in April that they were having a lot of fun together and enjoying their time together. In Rothmüller's second survey in November, that figure was still 69%. How do they do it?
2. Create space for yourself
"A big problem for couples, but also for those living in shared apartments and larger households with children, is a lack of places to retreat to," Rothmüller says.
Of course, this is particularly noticeable when everyone is suddenly at home — all the time. In a living space that is too small, Rothmüller says, it is essential to consciously help each other find more space. For example, some people stated in the surveys that the solution was to go for a walk for a few hours so that other household members could also be alone in peace and quiet.
Those who can articulate their needs have an advantage. But to be able to express our own needs and desires, we must be aware of them ourselves first.
This is where the pandemic offers us a chance: The lack of social and cultural distractions, as well as countless canceled meetings and appointments, means that we are being forced to grapple with and come to terms with ourselves as we have possibly never done before. This can be extremely challenging, but it can also be an opportunity.
"It's time to develop new interests," says psychologist Dewitte: reading, playing sports or cooking. At the very least, this can do no harm. And maybe something or other will end up actually being fun in the end.
Now is a good chance to try and develop new interests togetherImage: Jose Luis Carrascosa/Westend61/picture alliance
Our sexuality is also strongly influenced by how we feel about ourselves. Drinking the umpteenth glass of wine while sitting around in sweatpants without makeup and being sad about all the things that aren't possible right now is totally okay. But doing sports, cooking something healthy and delicious and getting all dressed up for dinner at home are better ideas.
Sex is also much more likely to happen. And that can really help.
The issue can become a real test for a couple: Whether stress increases our sexual desire or makes it disappear is a highly individual matter.
Conflicts in the relationship, whether because of existential worries or overload from work and childcare, do their bit to put our sex lives on ice. On the other hand, physical intimacy can have a strong bond-building function, one that is too strong to simply neglect in a relationship.
Ten Ways to a Happier Life
Happiness is the engine of life. Happy People seem to live longer. Optimism and positive emotions protect us from cardiological disorders and heighten our resistance. Ten tips for a happier life.
Image: Colourbox/Syda Productions
Connect with people!
Relationships are the most important overall contributor to happiness. People with strong and broad social relationships are happier, healthier and live longer. Close relationships with family and friends provide love, meaning, support and increase our feelings of self worth. So taking action to strengthen our relationships and create new connections is essential for happiness.
Image: Colourbox/yanlev
Do things for others!
Caring about others is fundamental to our happiness. Helping other people is not only good for them and a great thing to do, it also makes us happier and healthier too. Giving also creates stronger connections between people and helps to build a happier society for everyone. And it's not all about money - we can also give our time, ideas and energy. So if you want to feel good, do good!
Image: Colourbox/Kuzma
Take care of your body!
Our body and our mind are connected. Being active makes us happier as well as being good for our physical health. It instantly improves our mood and can even lift us out of a depression. We don't all need to run marathons - there are simple things we can all do to be more active each day. We can also boost our well-being by getting outside and making sure we get enough sleep!
Image: Colourbox
Have goals to look forward to!
Feeling good about the future is important for our happiness. We all need goals to motivate us and these need to be challenging enough to excite us, but also achievable. If we try to attempt the impossible this brings unnecessary stress. Choosing ambitious but realistic goals gives our lives direction and brings a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when we achieve them.
Image: Colourbox
Notice the world around!
Ever felt there must be more to life? Well good news, there is! We just need to stop and take notice. Learning to be more mindful and aware can do wonders for our well-being in all areas of life - like our walk to work, the way we eat or our relationships. It helps us get in tune with our feelings and stops us dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. So we get more out of the day-to-day.
Image: Colourbox/PathomP
Take a positive approach!
Positive emotions - like joy, gratitude, contentment, inspiration, and pride - are not just great at the time. Recent research shows that regularly experiencing them creates an 'upward spiral', helping to build our resources. So although we need to be realistic about life's ups and downs, it helps to focus on the good aspects of any situation - the glass half full rather than the glass half empty.
Image: Colourbox/Dmitry
Keep learning new things!
Learning affects our well-being in lots of positive ways. It exposes us to new ideas and helps us stay curious and engaged. It also gives us a sense of accomplishment and helps boost our self-confidence and resilience. There are many ways to learn new things - not just through formal qualifications. We can share a skill with friends, join a club, learn to sing, play a new sport and so much more.
Image: Colourbox/Antonio Gravante
Find ways to bounce back!
All of us have times of stress, loss, failure or trauma in our lives. But how we respond to these has a big impact on our well-being. We often cannot choose what happens to us, but we can choose our own attitude to what happens. In practice it's not always easy, but one of the most exciting findings from recent research is that resilience, like many other life skills, can be learned.
Image: Colourbox
Be comfortable with who you are!
No-one's perfect. But so often we compare our insides to other people's outsides. Dwelling on our flaws - what we're not rather than what we've got - makes it much harder to be happy. Learning to accept ourselves, warts and all, and being kinder to ourselves when things go wrong, increases our enjoyment of life, our resilience and our well-being. It also helps us accept others as they are.
Image: Colourbox
Be part of the big picture!
People who have meaning and purpose in their lives are happier. They also experience less stress, anxiety and depression. But where do we find 'meaning and purpose'? It might be our religious faith, being a parent or doing a job. The answers vary for each of us but they all involve being connected to something bigger than ourselves. Source of all tips: www.actionforhappiness.org
Image: Colourbox
10 images1 | 10
Dewitte, who not only researches sex but also conducts sex workshops, likes to solve the problem of dormant sexual desire with the 10-minute rule: Ten minutes of cuddling and kissing can be enough to get you into a mood that previously seemed as distant as the end of the coronavirus pandemic.
And if it doesn't? "Then the couple has spent 10 minutes kissing and cuddling," Dewitte says. It's not the frequency of sexual encounters that matters, she says, but the quality.
5. Set new priorities
Since our idea of normalcy is already being flipped upside down, it's prime time to reorder our priority list. And the general consensus seems to be that health should be at the top of it.
Family and romantic partners are also high on the list, as these are the people who, in a crisis, would sit with us on a desert island or whom we sorely miss when a pandemic keeps us apart.
Simple things done together as a family can take on new significance in the pandemicImage: Adam Gasson/empics/picture alliance
According to Rothmüller's surveys, many couples have apparently used the break from public life to invest in themselves, deepening their relationship through more conversations, more intimacy and more togetherness. But will this practice continue once the pandemic is over?
The benefits of physical touch
In an increasingly digitized world where we text more and meet face-to-face less, it's important to remember the physical and mental benefits of human touch. Consensual, positive physical contact improves our well-being.
Image: Colourbox/T. Srilao
Setting the tone
Our skin is often the starting point for how we perceive situations and interact with one another. Researchers have found that people can detect certain emotions, like love, anger, gratitude and disgust, from touch. Regular positive touch has been shown to reduce aggression and increase pro-social behavior. It also helps us form and maintain emotional bonds in relationships.
Image: picture-alliance/blickwinkel/McPHOTO/ADR
Touch as team builder
Touch, or tactile communication, can help us build trust and cooperation. One study even found that professional basketball players and teams who had more physical interaction early in the season, like high fives and team huddles, performed better in later games.
Image: Reuters/A. Perawongmetha
Hug it out
Hugging is a sign of support that can reduce stress. They can also help deter inner turmoil after conflict. One study showed that people who received a hug on a day when a conflict had taken place were found to be in better moods afterwards. Hugs have also been shown to reduce the likelihood of catching a common cold, due to their stress-buffering properties.
Image: picture-alliance/AP Photo/R. Gul
A warm embrace
Warm contact between partners, like holding hands or cuddling, can contribute to better cardiovascular health and can lower one's reactivity to stress. This is because that positive physical sign of support slows your heart rate, decreases the stress hormone cortisol and lowers your blood pressure. Couples can even sync their heart rates and brain waves just by touching.
Image: AFP/Getty Images/P. Singh
Massage: More than just relaxing
Researchers at Duke University Medical Center found that full-body massage relieved pain and increased mobility in patients with arthritis in their knees. Therapeutic touch has also been shown to decrease pain and increase the quality of life for fibromyalgia patients. Not just those getting a massage see benefits, either: Giving a massage also offers positive improvements to personal well-being.
Image: apops/Fotolia.com
Skin-to-skin
Massage has also led to weight gain in preterm babies by engaging part of their nervous system. This improves digestion and releases hormones required for absorbing food. Skin-to-skin touch helps release oxytocin, the hormone related to mother-infant attachment, and decreases cortisol, the stress hormone. It may also have a pain-relieving effect for babies undergoing minor medical procedures.
Image: picture-alliance/AP/Sharp HealthCare
Self massage
You don't need another person to receive the benefits of touch, though. Self-massage can have some of the same effects of regular massage. The health benefits are stronger when more pressure is applied, as opposed to a lighter touch. Yoga and other forms of exercise, with physical contact between your body and the ground (or weights), can produce similar stress-relieving effects, too.
Image: Colourbox
Showing your support
Support in the form of holding a partner's hand when they're experiencing physical pain may be beneficial for both the recipient and the giver. Pain is actually diminished for the affected partner when touched. This contact can also help people with low self-esteem to eliminate self doubt.
Image: picture-alliance/dpa/H. Wiedl
An increased sense of feeling
Today, work is being done to create sensory-enabled prosthetics so that amputees can get the same health benefits from touch. Psychological well-being has been shown to increase for those who used such prosthetics. Other researchers are also working on developing electronic skin technology that can feel hard surfaces, soft fabrics or sensations like heat.
