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What is a lavender marriage? TikTok trend explained

September 25, 2025

Once a cover for closeted Hollywood stars and persecuted LGBTQ+ people, lavender marriages got a Gen Z reboot, offering protection, partnership and a new take on marriage in the digital age.

Picture of an Indian wedding celebration in full swing.
The 2022 Hindi film 'Badhai Do' explored the theme of lavender weddingsImage: Zee Studios/Everett Collection/picture alliance

Over the past year, a curious trend has been making the rounds on TikTok: Young (and mainly Western) people are proposing marriage to like-minded individuals seeking companionship and stability as well as shared financial burdens and benefits.

Love and/or sex? Not necessary. 

The term "lavender marriage" resurfaced from obscurity, sparking conversations about the origins of such marriages of convenience, and whether this once covert survival tactic could be repurposed for an era seeing shifting relationship norms.

A heteronormative front

The phrase "lavender marriage" mainly gained traction in early 20th-century Hollywood, where image was paramount and being openly queer could have ended careers.

The unions between a man and a woman — with either one or both partners being homosexual — provided a heteronormative cover so that stars and other public figures could maintain their reputations while shielding their true sexual orientation.

These weren't romantic partnerships but calculated arrangements, often orchestrated by studios or agents during an era when homosexuality was criminalized or frowned upon.

An oft-cited example is Rock Hudson, an icon of Hollywood's Golden Age. He married his agent Henry Willson's secretary, Phyllis Gates, to thwart tabloid press attempts to out him.

Hudson spent his life hiding his true sexual identity to preserve his leading man persona and died of an AIDS-related illness in 1985.

Actor Rock Hudson and Phyllis Gates' marriage lasted only three yearsImage: picture alliance/Sammlung Richter

Why 'lavender'?

"Lavender," both the term and color, has long accompanied LGBTQ+ history.

Ancient Greek poetess Sappho passionately wrote about the delicate beauty of women, referencing "wreaths, garlands or diadems of violets being placed on the 'slender neck' of a girl."

Incidentally, though the sexual identities we now recognize hadn't yet been named in her era, the words "sapphic" and "lesbian" derive from her name and her home island of Lesbos.

While Sappho's sexuality remains moot, her poetry celebrating same-sex love has made her an LGBTQ+ iconImage: akg-images/picture alliance

Centuries later, Irish author Oscar Wilde would describe his same-sex liaisons as "purple hours" that gave him joy in "the grey slowly-moving thing we call Time!" 

By the 20th century, lavender became associated with gay men and lesbian women but also devolved into a slur at times. The 1950s "Lavender Scare" in the US saw leaders like Senator Joseph McCarthy explicitly associating homosexuality with subversion and disloyalty, which led to the firing or forced resignations of gay civil servants.

This in turn fueled the LGBTQ+ rights movement that claimed lavender as its color of solidarity and protest.

A TikTok reimagining

Fast forward to the digital age, and lavender marriage has been reinterpreted — sometimes earnestly, sometimes playfully — by Gen Z creators on TikTok. Videos tagged #lavendermarriage show users touting themselves as potential partners, lamenting the chaos of dating, and imagining platonic domestic bliss.

In September 2024, TikToker Robbie Scott was among the first to kick off the trend when he announced applications were open for potential lavender marriage partners.

"I can be your husband, I can be your wife, I can be your dog, I can be whatever the f**k you want me to be," he said in the video. "All you have to do is marry me so that I can afford to pay a mortgage, utilities, and taxes, that's it. You can mess around with whoever you want whenever you want. In fact, I encourage it." 

Romance doesn't pay the bills

While the TikTok trend may seem tongue-in-cheek, it reflects deeper shifts in how people view relationships. Marriage need not always be about romantic love. For some, it's a legal contract that offers tangible benefits — tax breaks, health insurance, immigration status or even co-parenting rights. Not all that different from the arranged marriages of yore among European royalty or even among some societies where they're still the norm.

In countries like the United States, with rising healthcare and housing costs, marrying a trusted friend could offer stability. For others, it's about choosing emotional safety over romantic volatility or sexual compatibility, and building a mutually respectful partnership based on shared values and goals. 

The 2017 film 'The Lavender Scare' revisits the 1950s persecution of gay civil servants in the USImage: Full Exposure Films/Everett Collection/picture alliance

Still a shield in some societies

Beyond the TikTok trend, the original iteration of lavender marriages provide a shield to individuals living in societies where LGBTQ+ lifestyles are still criminalized or culturally taboo.

In China, "xinghun" (or "cooperative marriage") enables LGBTQ+ partners to agree on living arrangements that meet familial or societal expectations while privately preserving individual orientations.

On a wider spectrum, lavender marriages could also offer protection from workplace discrimination or violence in general.

Within this context, some critics argue that TikTok's broader appropriation of the term as a "platonic legal arrangement with benefits" glosses over the oppression experienced by queer individuals

"The original concept of a lavender marriage is deeply tied to queer history and the strugglesLGBTQIA+ individuals faced in navigating oppressive societal structures," sociologist Jennifer Gunsaullus told Cosmopolitan. "Repurposing it without acknowledging this history can erase the very real and often painful reasons these marriages existed."

Experts also warn that there's an emotional toll. Living within marriages that conceals one's true self — whether for protection or convenience — could still lead to loneliness, resentment or identity conflict. Even in platonic arrangements, expectations must be clearly defined to avoid misunderstandings.

There are societies that still frown upon homosexuality, thereby necessitating lavender marriages Image: Zee Studios/Everett Collection/picture alliance

Love through lavender-tinted glasses?

The reboot of lavender marriages is just one of several labels in the history and evolution of relationship arrangements. For instance, at the turn of 20th century, the term "Boston marriage" was in use to refer to two women living together, independent of a man's financial support.

Reflecting a broader cultural shift, namely the conscious decoupling of marriage from romance, #lavendermarriage raises the questions: What does it mean to build a life with someone? And who decides what love, partnership or marriage should look like?

Edited by: Elizabeth Grenier

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