Warning: This article includes graphic accounts of sexual abuse which some people may find disturbing. Please exercise caution before reading on. Thank you.

Sonia Obi-Okodo and Toyin Ndidi Taiwo-Ojo do not know each other, but they share similar traumatic experiences. They were both sexually abused by somebody they trusted. Their stories are now out in the open — despite Nigeria's cultural expectation of silence.

The two survivors — now in their 30s and 40s respectively — work to educate girls about the dangers they need to be aware of.

They also offer legal, medical and psychological support to those who are victims of sexual abuse. 

"I was sexually abused by my uncle for many years and went further in life to be sexually abused again," Obi-Okodo told DW. 

"This is why I am using my own experience to advocate against this menace that we have in our society."  

Family abuse

Obi-Okodo cannot remember the exact day her father's younger brother started to sexually abuse her, but vividly recalls it was after her elder sister spanked her for something she did. She was 5 years old at the time.  

Her uncle — who lived in the family home — called her aside. He told her that he had something which could make her grow bigger to stop her sisters from beating her. 

"He took me into his room, pulled down his trousers and put his manhood in my mouth and he ejaculated in my mouth. And said I should swallow it. He said that this particular thing is yogurt that will make me grow big." 

The abuse happened regularly and progressed to sessions during which the uncle played pornographic movies and commanded her to watch and act out the scenes with him.

She does not remember exactly how long this lasted but recalled he did it for many years.  

One day, she opened up to her cousin — six years her elder — who couldn't offer any help because she too had been abused since childhood by the same uncle. They couldn't get help. They were not bold enough to speak up.

Trusted friend

"I had a personal experience of being sexually molested when I was 5 years old and that made me want to fight that no other child should experience what I had experienced when I was that age," Taiwo-Ojo told DW.   

She was abused by Eugene, one of the workers who built her mother's house. He was known to and trusted by her family, and frequented their house.

Taiwo-Ojo was quiet and withdrawn, compared to her siblings. Eugene noticed this and preyed on her. 

The other builders were not around the day Eugene struck. He came to the house on a day he knew the construction site would be quiet. It was in the same compound Taiwo-Ojo and her family lived.  

He went to a secluded part of the building and called over Taiwo-Ojo. She thought he wanted to play with her, as usual. But this time, he took out his penis.

Painful 'playtime'

"I didn't know what he meant. That's why I make it a point that children should be taught sex education because if I had known what that meant, perhaps I would have been able to save myself," she told DW.

"It was strange to me and I was wondering what kind of play this is. And when it became painful; him trying to perpetrate, he covered my mouth and even made me feel like I wasn't doing well with this play." 

Eugene told her he had "played" with her siblings in the same way and they were cooperative — while she was being difficult.

No safety assurances

Investigations show that survivors are prone to being abused again.

Obi-Okodo was later gang raped by another trusted person — a family friend and neighbor — when she was 11 years old. 

She had gone to get something from their house. Her neighbor was outside, sitting under a tree with three of his friends, and noticed her entering the house. He followed her and ended up forcing her onto a bed, where he and his friends took turns raping her.  

Culture of silence  

Taiwo-Ojo didn't tell anyone about what Eugene did to her. She felt bad and didn't want people to have a negative perception of her.

Years later, when she was 36, she finally told her family. They were all shocked.

Obi-Okodo, again, didn't tell her parents about the gang rape because, at the time, she had behavioral issues related to what her uncle did to her. The trauma made her regularly run away from home. She became rebellious and did things a child her age shouldn't have done. 

She feared her parents wouldn't believe her and society would label here as a "bad" person.   

"I started to talk about my sexual abuse as an adult," Obi-Okodo said. "I never spoke about it as a child for fear of being perceived as a rotten person who had sex as a child. And that is how sex is perceived. Sex is made to look like a very big sin that makes you useless."

Human rights violations

Girls and women who are sexually abused in Nigeria are assumed to be damaged for life. Parents tend to sweep their daughters' stories of rape under the carpet. They fear Nigerian society will shame them and consider them unsuitable marriage partners. 

According to Osai Ojigho, director of Amnesty International Nigeria, fear of not being believed or fear of being blamed for the abuse creates a dangerous culture of silence that prevents survivors from seeking justice.

Rape and childhood molestation continue to be some of Nigeria's most prevalent human rights violations.

In June 2020, Nigeria’s police force said it had recorded 717 incidents of rape between January and May. The country's Ministry Of Women Affairs said at least 3,600 cases of rape were recorded during the COVID-19 lockdown, while Nigeria's human rights commission received 11,200 reported cases of rape in 2020.  

Harrowing journey

Due to the persistent rape crisis, Nigeria's state governors declared a "state of emergency” on rape and gender-based violence in June 2020. They promised to set up a sex offenders register.

Nothing has changed, however, because more cases are now being reported. Not only that, but hundreds of rapes go unreported due to endemic corruption, victim blaming and stigmatization — while survivors are denied justice.

Amnesty International's 2021 report "Nigeria: A Harrowing Journey — Access To Justice for Women and Girls Survivors of Rape" revealed cultural stereotypes, failures of law enforcement to investigate rape cases, toxic misogyny and insufficient support for survivors have created a culture of silence and impunity.

"Concrete actions have not been taken to tackle the rape crisis in Nigeria with the seriousness it deserves," said Ojigho.

"Women and girls continue to be failed by a system that makes it increasingly difficult for survivors to get justice, while allowing perpetrators to get away with gross human rights violations."

Consequences of rape

Sexual violence affect survivors psychologically, emotionally and physically. These issues are not always easy to deal with. However, with proper help and support, they can be managed. 

Sexual violence can lead to depression, flashbacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, self-harm, sexually transmitted infections, panic attacks, eating disorders, sleep disorders, pregnancy and suicide.

Obi-Okodo struggled with depression, flashbacks, panic attacks and wishing she would die, while Taiwo-Ojo had self-esteem issues.

"Growing up, I really didn't want deep emotional attachments with the opposite sex. I got married ... fine. But, I remember that I would be making love, then I would remember what happened to me when making love to my husband and then I would freeze," Taiwo-Ojo told DW. 

"I would just be put off. At times, my husband would want to touch me and I wouldn't want that because the memory was still very vivid in my mind." 

When she started talking about her experiences, she began to heal emotionally. 

Healing through action

The first time Obi-Okodo publicly shared her experiences was in 2019 on Facebook. Before then, she only wrote about them on social media using a third-person narrative because she was afraid. Indeed, she was judged.

"Somebody tried to shame me for being sexually abused and that was the beginning of the boldness I have and strength, because why shame me over something I have no power over? And I began to talk about it and I got some help from a friend who helped me with a therapist because I started having suicide ideation," she revealed.

"I was scared I was going to relive this horrible situation with my children. That's how I started to speak about it and trying to help people is also a way of healing for me." 

Obi-Okodo is back on her feet, married and a mother of twins. She established The Unbroken Foundation, a nonprofit that advocates against gender-based violence, sexual abuse and domestic violence and sells self-defense tools to help women protect themselves from predators.

Escaping a predator

She goes to schools to educate children about sex abuse, because they are the easiest targets. She teaches them about the red flags, how to spot predatory behavior and how to get away from a predator.

She also does this in churches by educating parents about the signs. But a lot of times, schools and churches shut the door in her face. They claim she is trying to corrupt their children. 

"These are conversations people don't want to have," she said. "They see sex as such a huge abomination, a taboo. A lot of the time, I am faced with the door shut in my face. They say we don't want you talking to our children about this." 

Taiwo-Ojo, too, never shared her sexual abuse experience until she was 36. She felt a burden had been lifted, after which she slept deeply and soundly for the first time ever. Subsequently, she realized the more she shared her story, the lighter and more self-assured she became. 

She founded Stop The Abuse in Lagos and is on a three-pronged mission to stop rape through teaching and talking about sex education, prevention of gender-based violence, as well as rehabilitation and intervention for sexually abused girls and women.  

Halting sex abuse 

Taiwo-Ojo and Obi-Okodo are not the only survivors of sexual violence in Nigeria who have decided to publicly speak out about their abuse. Many survivors are coming out of hiding and refusing to nurse the trauma quietly, as expected by Nigerian society. Like Taiwo-Ojo and Obi-Okodo, they are kicking against all forms of bias toward victims and survivors of sexual violence.  

Morenike Omaiboje, program director at the Women's Consortium of Nigeria (WOCON), recommends parents learn about the various sexual violence red flags. 

Studies have shown that abusers tend to groom potential victims ahead of the abuse. All experts interviewed for this story said 98% of the time, abusers are people known to victims and their families.  

Some red flags include someone paying too much attention to a particular child, buying gifts for him or her, or beginning to intimidate them.

The attention and gifts are to make the child more amenable when they strike, while the harassment is to cow the child into submission.

Warning signs

Other red flags parents must look for include a child becoming aggressive towards a particular adult, beginning to like a particular person too much, or starting to engage in sexualized play.  

Taiwo-Ojo and Obi-Okodo confirmed that they experienced all of these, adding that children may not be able to speak out but would play out what they have experienced — such as trying to kiss another child, or come up with very disturbing sexual play. According to the two survivors, either such a child has been abused or is about to be.  

Omaiboje advised that parents must bond well with their children to learn intimate details about them.

"The abusers often threaten and harass them, and they lose all sense of confidence. A lot of parents do not understand these dynamics. A child wants to talk, and they say 'shut up, you talk too much.' We need to listen to our children; we need to watch them; when they are withdrawing, we need to know." 

Amnesty International said the Nigerian government must ensure girls and women are protected from rampant sexual violence, while reported cases of rape must be thoroughly, promptly and impartially investigated and perpetrators prosecuted. If convicted, they should be sentenced with appropriate severity.  

"Nigeria must protect women and girls by ensuring that perpetrators of rape face justice and survivors get protection and psycho-social and medical support. The tide of sexual impunity against women and girls must be turned now," Ojigho said. 

If you are suffering from serious emotional strain or suicidal thoughts, do not hesitate to seek professional help. You can find information on where to find such help, no matter where you live in the world, at this website: https://www.befrienders.org/ 

Edited by: Keith Walker