Don't worry, you will not miss the Oktoberfest. Everyone is heading to the same place for 16 seemingly endless days. Go with the flow, because 6 million Wiesn visitors can't be wrong!

The subway announcement "München Theriesienwiese - everyone disembark please!" means that up to 12,500 people an hour will be heading to the escalators. Instead of the standard speed of 0.5 meters (16-feet) per second people are hurled towards daylight at 0.68 meters per second. So hold on tight - in a minute you'll be catapulted on to the Wiesn.

The papers back in March announced "Wiesn' tents booked out." Now you find confirmation in signs on beer tents telling you "closed due to overcrowding." All you can do is join the crowd outside and hope to be let in - don't even try to jump the queue. But remember that on Fridays and Saturdays will it prove close to impossible to gain access to the beer tents if you don't have a reservation.

Once in the tent express your respectful for the women serving you drinks: a Masskrug beer mug weighs about 2.3 kilos (5 pounds), and the serving women do not look anything like weight lifters. Still, they manage to carry up to 12 of these beer jugs in one go. This year a "Mass" beer jug costs just over 10 euros ($11), to which you need to add a tip too. But no matter, cheers!

After the second jug of beer you might find yourself standing on the benches, rhythmically swaying to the music with your arms linked with those of complete strangers, in what is locally known as "schunkeln." Even more surprising than swaying with a German might be the fact that you find yourself singing along to a choice of German songs you have never heard before.

There are some traditional foods to be enjoyed at the Oktoberfest. "Brezels" are very popular but the first choice is the "Wiesn-Hendl" roast chicken. More than 500,000 of these parsley sprinkled birds, so over a million portions, are sold at this the biggest of all folk festivals. But that pales in comparison to the 7 million liters of beer Oktoberfest visitors down each year.

You've proudly put away several jugs of beer, but now mounting pressure elsewhere tells you it's time to find the facilities. Having managed the obstacle course of crossing the tent to the exit, you then have to join the never-ending queue for the toilets. This despite organizers providing urinals, which put side by side would cover a kilometer. But, as always, the women have to very patient.

After downing liters of beer, things abruptly end. The clock in the beer tent hasn't yet reached 11 o'clock when you find yourself being shown the door in a friendly but firm manner. Now you're considering a ride on a rollercoaster before another round of drinks for the road at a nearby bar. This, many Oktoberfest regulars will warn you, is a dangerous path, but the choice is still yours.

Your wallet is empty, you can't identify a stain on your clothes and there's a nasty throb in your head? Yup, you were at Oktoberfest! As for the photos on your mobile phone … well, that just can't possibly have been you, could it?