Tom was 15 years old when his sister died. She was born with a heart defect and had been seeing doctors all her life. After one operation, she simply never woke up. That was seven years ago. Tom still misses his sister. She was just one year younger than him, and the two of them were very close.

"We always looked out for each other," said Tom, now 22. "After school I would never come home without her."

Tom's life was changed dramatically by his sister's death. A family grappling with the death of a child is something like a broken ceiling mobile: The rest of the pieces might still be there, but with one missing, the balance is destroyed and everything is off-kilter. That, at least, is how Tom felt.

"Suddenly there were only three of us we all knew we would have to rearrange ourselves," said Tom. "My parents were obviously still my parents but a part of me felt like they could no longer completely fulfill that role. At the same time I couldn’t just be a kid anymore, I had to take on responsibility."

Tom took comfort in his faith in God, his family and his friends. With this support behind him, he felt strong enough to grieve and he is thankful today that he was able to go through that process.

Siblings' grief is underestimated

But not all young people experience that kind of help, says Petra Hohn, who chairs a national German support group for bereaved parents. According to Hohn, the grief children feel following the death of a sibling is not properly addressed by society.

"Often young people have told me that after the funeral, people would say to them, 'Now you have to be strong for your parents,'" explained Hohn. "But these young people have so much to deal with themselves. Often they’re thinking 'Oh God, I should have died instead.' They are afraid to go on living without their brother or sister."

It's a feeling that can be hard to talk about, and for some young people it can lead to drug use, truancy or dramatic personality changes. In extreme cases, they may take their own lives.

"The tragedy is that some of them can't bear the fact that they have survived, and feel so guilty that they commit suicide," said Hohn. "Or they try to harm themselves just to feel something again. They feel nothing any more, because their parents no longer notice them."

Alongside its programs for parents, the association for bereaved parents also offers help to siblings. Some attend seminars on grieving or join sibling support groups. Something as simple as listening to music can be helpful to survivors. Songs like Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" are popular choices.

Others write, play drums or exercise. Everyone needs some kind of outlet during the mourning process but this is especially true of young people, says Hohn.

She recalled one boy who, after a death in the family, simply stopped speaking. He then attended a weekend camp on a farm with animals.

"You never saw him anywhere except in the rabbit hutch and the cow shed," said Hohn. "We came up with the idea to chop wood, and then he spoke for the first time and said, 'Now we’ll be really warm.' The calm of being with the animals and then afterwards the aggression [of the wood-chopping] let everything out - that combination set him free."

Anonymous help online

One of the association's main goals is to work alongside schools to explain to students and teachers what grieving siblings are going through and how they can be helped.

Maxie, 27, knows how upsetting it is for young people when the death of a brother or sister is brushed over at school. Almost seven years ago, her younger brother died at the age of 15. Today, she and other young adults moderate a live grief support chat room on the Web site www.doch-etwas-bleibt.de.

The portal was initiated by Maxie's mother to give young people a space to talk anonymously about their experiences. Maxie says schools are falling short when it comes to dealing with the issue.

"The person who has died gets ignored and is never talked about at all," she said. "So it’s good for young people to then find out that other people their age are going through the same things."

All the chat room moderators are regularly trained by Maxie's mother, who works for an outpatient hospice organization. Still, Maxie sometimes feels helpless when she encounters young people who seem to have lost the energy to face life.

"You're sitting there and what you really want to do is jump in the car and go to them," she said. "But that’s exactly what you shouldn't do, because it's the chat room anonymity that lets people speak so openly."

Sometimes Maxie tries to imagine what her brother would be like if he were still alive today. He'd be 22 now. Maxie has kept in contact with his friends, and over the years she's watched them learn to drive and go to college. If her brother were still alive, he'd be right there with them with them. But for Maxie, he'll stay 15 forever.

Author: Katrin Schilling (skt/kl)

Editor: Kate Bowen